Black Satin
by carissima
Summary: She knew the logic behind holding an end of year dance. But that didn't mean she had to enjoy herself. Season Four oneshot. SeanEmma.


**AN: This is a one-shot that has been rolling around in my head for a while, and I just eventually had to sit and write it. It's set in S4, near the end of the season. Sean didn't go back to Wasaga, and so a few things never happened, the biggest of which was Secret. I really hope you enjoy, let me know what you think in a review. And I know, it's kinda mushy, but I'm feeling kinda mushy.**

She knew the logic behind holding an end of school dance. Firstly, because it was the end of the school year. Secondly, because everyone needed to let of steam, after the exams that had consumed the entire school for the past month. And thirdly, because the entire school hadn't yet found its way out of the cloud of bleakness that had hovered over the student body since the day a gun had been brought into school, and one boy had been paralysed, and another died.

But that didn't mean she had to enjoy herself.

She was standing in her room, still wearing the robe she'd wrapped around herself after stepping out of the shower half an hour ago, eyeing her bed with equal parts disgust and horror. Every single item of clothing that was suitable for an end of year dance had been thrown haphazardly across her bed, but how exactly was she supposed to dress? She was under no illusions that there were a select group of people who would be the focus of much staring, whispering and not so subtle pointing tonight. Jimmy, Toby, Sean, and herself. It would be just like it was, the first month after Rick had died. Every time she'd walked into a room, conversation had stopped, silence cutting through the room like a gunshot. Every time she'd walked past Jimmy's locker, she'd had to force herself not to run for the bathroom and throw up. Every time she'd looked at Sean, she'd had to stem the tears that sprang to her eyes. Eventually, the conversations had turned to other things, and she'd stopped hearing that deafening quiet. She had stopped flinching as she walked past Jimmy's locker.

And she'd stopped looking at Sean.

Four months, thirteen days and five hours, give or take a few minutes, since she'd looked into his eyes. Four months, fourteen days and five hours, give or take a few minutes, since her heart had stopped, her eyes had glazed over and she'd last said his name, on a scream that had ripped her apart as she'd watched him fall to the ground with Rick.

Thirty-two minutes since she'd last thought about Sean. Thirty-five minutes since she'd last thought about that day. She figured it was progress, but she had no real comparison. She didn't talk to Sean. Jimmy never wanted to talk about that day, and she never pushed him. Toby wasn't exactly interested in talking about Rick either. She was on her own.

At least her hair was done, she mused as her eyes travelled across the bed once more, hoping that inspiration would strike. All she needed was some clothes, and she'd be ready for when Manny called for her. In twelve minutes.

Deciding to just dig in, she sifted through the tops, jeans, skirts and dresses that adorned her bed. Just as she was about to howl in frustration, her hand skimmed something satin. Looking closer, she recognised a black satin dress she'd bought months ago. Just the right colour, she figured. The skirt wasn't too short, and it was held up by two very respectful thin straps, revealing a very conservative amount of cleavage. Perfect.

Wriggling into it, she smoothed the material down as she considered herself in the mirror. She was still pale, her eyes were still too large and she looked like she'd float away on the next breeze, but she'd do. She'd just hide in dark corners and keep her eyes down.

That was her life these days. She preferred to fade into the background, to watch people living their lives. She'd watched Hazel try to comfort Jimmy when his frustration at his paralysis threatened to boil over. She'd watched Jay and Alex break up over Amy, and JT and Liberty start their relationship. She'd watched Sean and Ellie break up, and she'd watched Manny and Paige fall out.

She'd watched, but she hadn't been involved. Hadn't wanted to be involved. Being involved was too painful.

Grabbing her bag, Emma was halfway up the stairs when she heard the doorbell ring. Calling out a goodbye to her mom, she stepped out into the warm evening and greeted Manny with a smile.

"You look lovely, Em," Manny told her as they headed towards Degrassi.

"You do too," Emma returned the compliment, taking in Manny's red dress. "Red really suits you."

"So what's the plan for tonight?" Manny asked casually. "Stick around for an hour, hiding behind decorations and whichever corner is available before sneaking off home?"

Emma let a wry smile form on her lips. "Something like that."

"Living isn't a spectator sport, you know, Em," Manny said softly.

"I'm trying, Manny," Emma sighed. "I'm really trying. Maybe I'll last two hours."

"A whole two hours?" Manny said, wide-eyed. "Maybe you'll manage to have one dance, too."

"Let's not get carried away," Emma murmured as the school came into sight, and she saw students milling around. She saw pinks, blues and greens. Yellows and purples. A few reds and some whites. She knew she couldn't be the only one dressed in black, that it was only in her mind, but she figured it was only appropriate.

She followed Manny up the steps and into the gym, which was lovingly decorated in bright and cheerful colours. It made her feel a little queasy.

"I think I need sunglasses," Manny murmured.

Emma lifted one side of her mouth in a half-smile and waited patiently until Manny was distracted by someone trying to tempt her onto the dance floor. Emma stepped back and headed for a dark corner, so she could watch.

She watched JT and Liberty do some crazy dance, and couldn't suppress the smile at their flailing limbs and goofy grins. She watched Hazel settle herself on Jimmy's lap as they talked to Paige and Marco, lifting a hand in greeting as Jimmy's gaze fell on her. She saw Ellie walk in, looking very pretty and a little lonely. She knew that feeling. Except Marco swept her away and soon Ellie was laughing and joking with the others. She saw Jay and Sean walk in, and registered their disdain with the lameness of the dance. She knew that feeling, too. She watched Craig enter, and she waved at him too. But she didn't leave her spot at the back of the gym, half-hidden by some giant green structure.

Half an hour passed, and Emma was still watching. She watched as Jimmy wheeled his chair towards her, a smile playing on his lips.

"Enjoying yourself?" he asked as he parked next to her.

"Best party ever!" Emma said cheerfully.

"Uh huh," Jimmy grinned. "So why are you hiding back here?"

"I like the view," Emma shrugged. "You seem to be having fun."

"I have five teachers watching me like a hawk to make sure I'm having fun," he replied dryly. "Not to mention Hazel, Craig, Paige, Marco and Ellie."

"Sounds nice," Emma said, letting just a little wistfulness show in her voice.

Jimmy stared at her. "You could have Manny, JT, Toby and Liberty hovering over you, if you'd give them half a chance."

Emma merely smiled. She didn't want them to hover. She wanted them to have fun. And Emma wasn't sure she knew what fun was, anymore.

"Emma Nelson," Jimmy said sternly. "You are going to dance with me."

"You're sweet, Jimmy," Emma murmured. "But you have friends to get back to."

"I have a friend right here who needs me," Jimmy corrected her. "You know how long it's been since I've had a friend who needed _me_?"

"Four months, fourteen days and six hours, give or take a few minutes," she said softly.

"Something like that," Jimmy patted her hand gently. "Come dance with me."

He caught her hand and put it on the handles of his chair. "Come on, drive me to the dance floor."

"I'm a bad driver," she warned him as she headed for the darkest part of the dance floor.

"You ashamed of me, Nelson?" he questioned as he noted where she'd stopped.

"Not of you, Brooks," she said easily as she began to move to the music.

Jimmy began to manoeuvre his chair in a rhythm, matching the beat. "Not bad for a cripple, huh?"

"You're the best dancer in school," Emma said truthfully.

"And you dance like an old lady," Jimmy chuckled.

Catching Hazel's eye, Emma surreptitiously beckoned her over. "I think I'm about to be cut in on."

"Dancing with the two most beautiful girls in school," Jimmy whistled as Hazel appeared next to him. "Must be my lucky day."

Emma patted his shoulder as she passed him, on the way back to her spot. Rarely had she spoken to Jimmy before this year, but they'd somehow struck up conversations over the past four months. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him, but she appreciated that he was the only person who didn't treat her like she'd break any second.

She spent another hour watching people, making small talk with JT and Liberty, and then Manny, and then Craig. Glancing at her watch, she figured an hour and a half was practically two hours, and half a song dancing with Jimmy was practically a whole dance, so she could head home and Manny would think she'd made some progress.

She made it to the corridor without having to stop to say goodbye to anyone.

"Hey."

She knew that voice. She heard it every day at school. She heard it every night in her nightmares and her dreams. She hadn't heard it directed at her, though, for months.

"Hey Sean," she said, her voice coming out a little high and her breath hitched. And she kept her eyes focused on a sticker on a locker.

"Going home?" he asked.

"Yeah," she managed to keep her voice level this time. "I'll see you later."

She tried to hurry past him, but he moved, quietly, to stand in front of her.

"You haven't seen me in months," he said quietly.

"I see you every day in class," Emma tried to laugh, but the sound got caught in her throat.

"I saw you dancing with Jimmy," he said, surprisingly.

"He, uh, kinda forced me," Emma murmured, her wandering gaze resting on his shoulder. He was wearing a grey shirt.

"You actually looked like you were having fun," he said softly. "I'd forgotten what you looked like when you laughed."

"I laugh," Emma said defensively, crossing her arms in front of her.

"Rarely," Sean countered.

"I didn't realise you'd been watching me so intently," she shot back.

"I've been waiting for you to look up and see me," he said simply.

"I see you all the time," she repeated. "And I really have to go."

"No," Sean said abruptly, putting his hand on her arm.

The simple gesture made her jump, made her eyes look upward and catch his gaze, had her frozen to the spot. The last time he'd touched her … and touched her in the same way …

"Sean. Please …" She tried to pull away from him, her eyes going wild as she struggled to get away, from him, from the building, from the memories.

"It's time, Em," he told her firmly.

"I see you all the time," she whispered, staring at him, taking in the features she hadn't really seen in four months, thirteen days and seven hours, but they'd appeared in her subconscious, every time she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. "In my dreams. My nightmares. He has the gun, Sean, every time I close my eyes, he's got that gun. And every time, he's pointing it at you when I hear the shot. Every time, Sean, you both fall to the ground, and every time I wake up, screaming your name. Every time!"

Her voice had risen to a panicked shout, and he reached out to stroke her cheek, to soothe and quieten.

"Avoiding me isn't making the dreams go away," he pointed out. "Maybe you need a new strategy."

"This one will work eventually," she whispered. "I just need more time."

"Time's up," Sean said, taking her hand. "I'm not waiting anymore."

"Waiting for what?" Emma asked as she let him walk her back towards the gym. "Sean, I don't want to go back in there. I can't deal with all this."

"You're not alone," he said easily.

And they walked into the room, holding hands. Emma tried to pull away, but Sean held on tightly.

"If you close your eyes and you see that gun, all you have to do is open them and you'll see that I'm right here," he told her.

"Sean …" Emma bit her lip. "I have to stop myself from calling you at three in the morning to make sure you're still alive."

"I hate being woken up," he said gruffly, his voice thickening slightly.

"Don't you have nightmares?" she asked the question she'd been aching to ask someone who'd been there that day.

"Sometimes," he shrugged. "It's natural. If you want to call me at three in the morning, you can. I'll probably curse at you for ten minutes, but you'd be certain that I haven't gone anywhere."

Emma felt her lips lift in a smile. "Thanks. Are you going to tell me what you've been waiting for?"

"You," he said simply. "Do you wanna dance?"

"I asked you that, years ago," Emma smiled at the memory. "You were trying to beat up Jimmy."

"Was not," Sean grumbled. "Those were the first words you ever said to me."

"Yours was 'Yeah'," Emma grinned.

"I was a charmer," Sean shrugged with a faint smile. "So what's your answer?"

"Yeah," she said softly.

"Good answer," he murmured as he led her out onto the dance floor, not stopping when she tugged on his hand and tried to stop at the same place she'd danced with Jimmy. He made sure they were in the middle of the room before stopping and placing his hands on her hips.

"Sean, I'd rather dance back there," she said through stiff lips.

"You can't be scared if I'm right here," he said matter-of-factly. "Now, put your arms around my neck."

Emma complied.

"And if you close your eyes and start to panic, just look up," he said soothingly. "I'm right here."

"You're a pain in the ass," she muttered.

"Sure am," he said cheerfully as he started to sway to the slow beat, moving her body with his.

"So," Emma said desperately as those emotions she'd tried to keep at bay for so long started to overwhelm her. "What happened with you and Ellie?"

Sean blinked, as if he hadn't been expecting that question. "We uh … I didn't do so well after the shooting. And I didn't want to talk about it."

"You closed up," she figured.

"Seems like something we have in common," he said bluntly. "It wasn't fair on her. Things just changed overnight, and I couldn't get back to how things were. So she moved back home."

"I'm sorry," Emma murmured.

"Me too," Sean said quietly, seeking Ellie out in the crowd. Seeing her chatting to Craig, he smiled ruefully. Shifting his arms, he brought Emma closer to him.

"Sean …" Emma's tone was wary.

"Letting you deal with things your way didn't work out so well," he said brusquely. "Now it's my turn."

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, bewilderment clear in her voice.

"Because I miss you," he said. "I miss Emma."

"The Emma you hated last year?"

"Yes," he said, surprising her with his honesty.

"I thought you were meant to be cheering me up," she said, her voice a little unsteady.

"I'm also trying not to say anything that will make you run away," he replied.

"Say what's on your mind," Emma said, tipping her head back to look at him for the first time without feeling panicky.

"I'm sorry for last year," he said simply, directly. "I was a jerk."

"You were," she smiled. "But I was pretty jerk-like myself."

"Seeing that gun pointed at you – God, Emma," Sean shook his head as if to get rid of the image. "I've never been so scared."

"Me too," she murmured. "When it was pointed at me, and when the gun went off. I had no idea who had been shot."

Sean's grip on her tightened slightly. "I guess it was stupid to try to talk to him, but I had to get his focus off you."

"You saved my life," she whispered, her voice barely audible.

"And ended his," he said flatly.

Emma tightened her grip on him slightly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you. I should have been."

"We should have helped each other," Sean said quietly.

"I'm here now," she said firmly. "We can help each other now."

"Maybe I don't want help," he spoke softly in her ear.

"Then what do you need?" she asked, her heart starting to race as his eyes turned molten.

"I think you know," he suggested as his fingers began to stroke her back relaxingly.

"Sean – what you're feeling is just a reaction to the shooting," Emma said nervously, her gaze flicking around the room. No one seemed to be paying them much attention, but she felt hunted.

"Really?" Sean questioned lightly.

"You don't want me, Sean," Emma said desperately. "This isn't you."

"Feels like me," he chuckled.

"You're not yourself," she tried again. "You're moody and sulky and monosyllabic. You're not open and talkative and thoughtful."

"Thanks," he said dryly.

"You know what I mean," she said, flustered.

"Did I tell you that you look beautiful?" Sean switched topics.

"N-no," Emma stammered.

"You do," he grinned.

"I have no idea what to say to you," she shook her head as they continued to sway to the music, unaware that the songs had changed.

"You could say, Sean, will you walk me home?" he suggested.

"You want to walk me home?" she blinked in confusion.

"Close enough," he guessed. Sliding his hand down her arm, he captured her hand. "Let's go."

"Okay, what have you done with the real Sean?" Emma asked as they walked out into the warm night.

"He's still here," he replied. "Just as the real Emma is still here. Somewhere. I intend to find her."

"Good luck with that," Emma said dryly.

"I don't need luck," Sean said slowly.

They didn't talk the rest of the way home. Emma merely let herself enjoy the feel of her hand enclosed in Sean's; something she'd never thought would happen again.

"We're here," she said unnecessarily when they reached her house.

Sean gave her an amused look.

"Okay, I know you know we're here," she muttered. "I just needed to say something."

"Nervous, Em?" he asked softly as he turned her to look at him.

"Terrified," she whispered.

"What of?" he asked.

"Everything," she sighed. "I didn't … I had … Sean, before today, we barely spoke."

"That's changed."

"Everything's changed," Emma bit her lip nervously. "And I have no idea where I am."

"You're with me," he said simply.

"This is crazy," she half-laughed.

"Sure is," he said, lowering his head.

She met him halfway, their lips coming together in sweet unison. He didn't deepen the kiss, he just let both of them find comfort in each other, enjoying the kiss without it threatening more than either of them was ready for.

She pulled away slowly, staring up at him.

"That's what I've been waiting for," he smiled, stroking her hair softly.

"It's all too soon," she groaned.

"We'll go slowly," he promised. "But it's not too soon. It's been too long."

"Don't break my heart, Sean," she pleaded softly. Vulnerably.

"Not this time," he said with a smile. "I'll shout, and I'll throw things, and I'll probably want to kill you sometimes, but I won't break your heart."

"Why, Sean?"

"Because I fell in love with you four years ago," he smiled ruefully, his cheeks flushing a little red. "And my heart stopped when that gun was pointed at you."

She wrapped her arms around him and held him close. It was too soon for her to tell him how she felt. She was still trying to figure out how the night had turned out like it had and who this new Sean was, but she desperately wanted and needed to find out.

"I fell in love with you four years ago," she echoed his words as she clung to him. "And my heart stopped when that gun went off."

"Has it started again?"

"I think so," she murmured. "I really think so."


End file.
